Hello Smart Girls!

I’m so excited to show you what I’ve been up to for the past few months! Some of you know that a year ago, I began training with the fabulous Martha Beck to become a life coach so I could take my work with teen girls and young women to a whole new level. Today, almost one year to the day from when my training began, I’m happy to announce that I’m a certified Martha Beck Life Coach and I’ve just launched a new website and a bunch of special life coaching packages just for teens!

I’ve also written a brand new ebook, What Smart Girls Know: 10 Truths to Discovering You, which I’m offering for FREE to people who sign up for my new newsletter over at debbiereber.com. This book is a passion project I’ve had in my mind for years, but never published with a traditional publisher. I’m thrilled to be able to make it available to you now…gotta love technology!

Oh, and if you’re interested in life coaching, here some of the one-on-one coaching offerings I’ve put together specifically for teens and 20-somethings. You can get all the details on my new Coaching Page:

SELF-DISCOVERY 101

In a world where teens are bombarded with mixed, and often harmful, media messages, face ongoing pressure to be a “perfect good girl,” and are stuck somewhere between their big dreams and their current reality, it can be challenging to figure out what sparks their passion, let alone where they want it to take them in their lives. This eight-session one-on-one coaching program is aimed helping girls tune into what makes them uniquely them, identify their values and passions, understand the limiting beliefs that get in their way, and build a personal toolbox for moving forward in life in an authentic, purposeful, and powerful way. For motivated teen girls ages 13 – 19.

SIX-WEEK STRESS BUSTER

Today’s overscheduled, overprogrammed teens are dealing with unprecedented stress levels in their quest to be and do it all. This six-week one-on-one coaching program offers motivated teen girls ages 13-19 simple strategies for juggling it all, managing their stress, and creating more balance in their lives.

THE GOAL GETTER

Today’s teens are big dreamers, and as a collective, they’ve been told their whole life that they can do and be anything they can imagine. But many are missing the concrete strategies and skills they need to shift from imagine to action. This six-week one-on-one coaching program helps motivated teen girls ages 13-19 working toward a specific goal or goals imagine the possibilities, tackle fear and procrastination, create a foolproof plan of action, and set achievable goals.

ORGANIZE YOUR LIFE

For the busy teen juggling schoolwork, extracurriculars, and other obligations, a little organization can go a long way. This six-week one-on-one coaching program helps teens ages 13-19 understand the benefits of organizing all different aspects of their lives and give them solid organizational strategies and tools that will help them prioritize, save time, reduce the chaos in their life, and ultimately create a less-stressed life!

SENIOR YEAR SEND-OFF

Senior year of high school is an exciting, interesting, and often challenging time as big transitions are looming and teens find themselves at the intersection of their familiar high school existence and the unknown of what comes next. This six-week one-on-one coaching program helps motivated, college-bound high school senior girls hone in on their personal values, discover their voice, learn how to tackle fear, and create a strong foundation for personal self-care.

PROJECT YOU

Project You is a twelve-week coaching program for 20-somethings who are feeling stuck, trapped, and limited by their current reality. This intensive program helps 20-somethings hone in on their limiting beliefs, rewrite their personal story, reconnect with their purpose, imagine their ideal outcome, and gain the strategies and tools they need to make it happen.

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With the start of my new site, I’ve also launched a new blog which will feature less newsy news and more insight and reflections for young women. Therefore, I won’t be updating Smart Girls Know any longer. I will, however, keep this site up so you’ll continue to have access to the past 4 years worth of content, interviews, book reviews, affirmations, and more. Thanks so much for being a part of the Smart Girls Know community, and I hope you’ll join me over at debbiereber.com!

XOXO Debbie

Yesterday, I had the honor of being a part of Dove’s Self-Esteem Weekend, a 3-day event where Dove inspired thousands of organizations and individuals to gather together and realize the power women can make in the lives of building the self-esteem of girls. The Movement is about imagining a world where every girl grows up with the self-esteem she needs to reach her full potential, and where every woman enjoys feeling confident in her own beauty.

“Imagine the world of possibilities we can open up by helping to build self-esteem in the people we love most. Our movement is building a world where women everywhere have the tools to inspire each other and the girls in their lives.”

While my work most often involves talking with groups of girls about anything from media literacy to how to de-stress, for this weekend, I decided to pull together some of my favorite women here in Seattle to connect, build community, and enjoy some delicious cupcakes! I also asked each woman to answer the question Dove has posed to women everywhere: What do you wish you’d known at 13?

I loved seeing how every woman answered this question so differently, sharing their unique perspective and life-experience with the group. The end-result was a collection of powerful quotes which I pulled together to create this video. I hope you find these women and their message as inspiring as I do!

Also – check out this fabulous article on Huffington Post about the impact women can have on the self-esteem of girls by my friend, mentor, and Global Ambassador for the Dove Self-Esteem Fun, Jess Weiner!

If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, please check out my friend and fellow member of the Confidence Community (TM) Johanna Kandel’s new book, which just came out today.

Johanna struggled with her eating disorder for ten years before finally getting help. She founded the Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness in 2000 to do community outreach, education, awareness, and prevention of various eating disorders, to share the message that recovery from these disorders is possible, and make sure that those suffering from eating disorders don’t have to recover alone.

In her powerful new book, Johanna offers tools and insight for those with eating disorders so they can:

• Stop self-sabotage and sidestep triggers
• Quiet the eating-disordered voice
• Strengthen the healthy, positive voice
• Let go of all-or-nothing thinking
• Overcome fear and embrace change
• Stay motivated and keep moving forward

Complete with inspiring true stories from others who have won their personal battles with eating disorders, this book provides the help you need to break free from your eating disorder and discover how wonderful life really can be.

Congratulations to Johanna on bringing this very important book into the world!

I just read an article in The New York Times about recent studies having to do with girls and the way they communicate with friends. These studies have found excessive talking with friends about problems can actually make your situation worse! Why? Because frequently or obsessively talking about the same problem can spin into a “potentially contagious and unhealthy emotional angst.”

According to the article, the fact that today’s girls are in constant contact with friends through email, texting, Facebook, and instant messaging, means they’re dwelling on their problems and dramas more than may be good for them. This over-sharing of problems among friends has been given the name “co-rumination.”

When I read this, I thought back to one of my first jobs out of college. While the job had its benefits, including the fact that’s it where I met one of my dearest friends, ultimately both my friend and I (we also shared a cubicle) grew dissatisfied with our jobs to the point where we spent every single day bitching and moaning about our lot in life over lunch. The result? Our unhappiness brewed and festered. We returned to the office each afternoon with a chip on our shoulders the size of a small SUV.

So I can see how obsessively talking about problems with a friend can make matters worse. But on the other hand, it did bring my friend and I closer together, since we experienced this together and bonded over our shared misery.

The article points out another potential side effect of negative girl talk – “emotional contagion” or “contagious anxiety,” which is the phenomenon when another person’s negative thoughts or anxiety affect another person’s mood. According to the article, people who live with others suffering from depression tend to become depressed themselves.

So if this new research is true, what’s the solution? I’m a huge advocate of seeking out friends to share with, commiserate with, and get support from. Perhaps the key to making sure that your girl talk stays in a good place is to share with friends about what’s going on, but start noticing when the same depressing topic becomes the focal point of every conversation. And if you’re not working on finding a positive solution to the problem, cut yourself off from the negative speak and move on to another topic!

Smart Girls Know Affirmation: Smart Girls Know How to Be a Good Friend

If you’re like most teens, your friends are near the top of your list when it comes to important things in your life. And with good reason. True friends are worth their weight in gold. They keep our secrets, accept us for who we are, and always have our back.

But what is it that brings two people together in friendship? Think about your closest friends – the ones you want to text right away when something exciting happens, the ones you turn to in a crisis, the ones you share your fears and dreams with. Chances are, these friends:

• enjoy the same things as you: hobbies, favorite shows, sports
• appreciate you for who you are: an emotional, unique, and fabulous individual
• share the same values
• are trustworthy

Be The Friend You Want to Have
The people we choose to bring into our lives are often mirrors of ourselves. What I mean is, the way we behave in our friendships and towards our friends is often the way our friends behave towards us. To attract the kinds of friends you want in your life, start with yourself and be a great friend to those around you. Here’s how:

• Listen: Who doesn’t like to feel as though they’re being heard and understood? When a friend opens up about what’s happening in her life (both the good and the bad), be a good listener by not judging, interrupting, or responding by turning the conversation to yourself. For more on being a good listener, click here.
• Share: Open yourself up by sharing your thoughts, ideas, dreams, and opinions with your friends. They’ll feel valued because you’ve chosen to let them into your life, and they’ll also be more likely to let you into theirs.
• Be Trustworthy: If you’re the type of friend who doesn’t lie, keeps her word, and is 100% reliable, you’ll be more likely to attract the same qualities in your friends.
• Support: Be there for your friend through good times and bad and you’ll set the standard for how you’d like to be regarded in your friendships.
• Understand: Know that all friendships have ups and downs, and yes, people do change. If your friend is going through some changes or needs some space, give it to him or her and know that change is normal and doesn’t have to be bad.
• Don’t Judge: This one can be hard, but is so important! Even if you have strong opinions about what a friend says or does, skip the judgments and instead try seeing the situation from your friend’s point of view.

To read more about my thoughts on friendship, check out my book in the Chicken Soup series, The Real Deal: Friends.

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COMING SOON: An Important Announcement for Teen Writers!

If you’re an avid writer/aspiring teen author, keep an eye out for an email from me in the coming weeks! I’m embarking on a new book project for teens and there will be opportunities for you to be published!

I can’t wait to spill the beans, but that’s all I can say for now. Stay tuned for more scoop soon…

 

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Stress Q&A:

Dear Debbie,

I’m halfway through your latest book, Chill, and feel I need more specific advice. You talk a lot about speaking up and knowing when to say no, but what if you really can’t do it? I’m the second youngest in my family with 8 years between my younger sister and myself. She’s too young to ride the city bus home by herself or to stay home alone, so I’m always stuck watching her. I also go to one of the top schools in my state and always have tons of homework to do. Between babysitting my sister, doing chores at home, and school, I have no time for myself. I spend all of my time either at home or at school. I’ve had too many breakdowns this year to count, but I can’t tell my parents no. They need someone to help out with my sister because they both work. My only comfort is that in two years I’ll be out of high school and going to college in another state. My anxiety attacks get so bad that sometimes I get sick. Is there anything I can do until then to help manage all of this? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks! Alyson *

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Dear Alyson,

Thanks so much for your note. Sounds like you do have a challenging situation with regards to your family and school responsibilities. I understand that there are some things you just can’t say ‘no’ to, and that is the way it is for many of us. I want to congratulate you for having the perspective to know that things won’t always be this way, and that in two (short) years you’ll be in college and doing your own thing.

My biggest recommendation to you would be to try to do a little something for yourself each day if you can… a little something that’s just for you, that you can own, or that is a way of reminding yourself that while you’re taking care of everything and everyone else, you are a priority.

For me, I do things like going for a quick run, reading a book, taking a nap, listening to music I love, talking with a friend who is a big support, journaling, watching So You Think You Can Dance, etc.). I don’t know what it is for you that recharges you or gives you personal joy, but try to figure it out and find ways to squeeze it into your life. Not only is this a great way to take care of yourself, but it can in turn recharge you to be in a better frame of mind to handle everything you have going on.

You also mention that have a lot of anxiety attacks…. Make sure to read the chapter in Chill about Zoning Out and Tuning In. There’s a section in there on visualization, and I think this is an incredibly powerful tool that could help. When you visualize, you could imagine your life 2 years from now or 5 years from now, and how you hope it will look. Or you could visualize what tomorrow looks like, and imagine yourself handling all your responsibilities with joy and patience.

What I do know is that what we think and tell ourselves affects our emotions and how we feel. Spending even five minutes in bed each night imagining the way you’d like things to be (less hectic, less stressful, etc.) can go a long way in making that your reality!

I hope this helps you, and I encourage you to try out some of the techniques I write about in Chill. Let em know how you’re doing!

XOXO Debbie

* name has been changed

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This Month’s MUST READ!

My book of the month is , by author extraordinaire Patricia McCormick. Sold is the incredibly powerful story of 13-year-old Lakshmi, a young girl living in poverty in Nepal who leaves her family thinking she’ll become a maid in the city to support her family, but instead ends up being “sold” to a brothel in Calcutta, India where she is forced to work as a prostitute.

Lakshmi’s story is told from her point of view in powerful short verse, and readers will follow her journey as she experiences the horrors of being forced into the sex trade, while never losing hope and keeping her spirit alive.

While the idea of being sold into prostitution at the age of 13 is too awful to even think about, sadly it’s a reality for thousands and thousands of girls in developing countries around the world, and I believe that change begins with knowledge. After reading Sold, hopefully teens everywhere will be not only outraged at the plight of these girls, but will feel empowered and inspired to do something about it. Thanks Patricia for bringing such an important, and fairly hidden, topic to light. We can’t wait to see what you write about next!

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Digging Deeper…

The selling of children, otherwise known as “trafficking,” is unfortunately nothing new, and it is more common than you might think. Here are some shocking stats from UNICEF:

• Girls as young as 13 (mainly from Asia and Eastern Europe) are trafficked as “mail-order brides.”
• Large numbers of children are being trafficked in West and Central Africa, mainly for domestic work but also for sexual exploitation.
• Mexico’s social service agency reports that there are more than 16,000 children engaged in prostitution.
• In Lithuania, children as young as age 11 are known to work as prostitutes.

To find out more, or learn how you can speak out against child prostitution, visit Youth Noise, UNICEF, or World Vision.

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Respect Rx

If you haven’t yet visited the fabulous website for girls and women, RespectRx, definitely check it out. RespectRx is the creation of fellow girl advocate and all-around super woman Courtney Macavinta, author of (Free Spirit Publishing, 2005) and regular contributor to mags like CosmoGIRL! and Teen Vogue.

Respect RX just featured an interview with yours truly, so please visit the site for the interview (and a fabu picture of me with my Girls on the Run running buddy), and then cruise around to read up on all things girl power. Enjoy!

Sit back in your chair, or bed, or sofa. Close your eyes. Now LISTEN.

There are noises all around us. Music. TV. The hum of our computer. Traffic outside our window. An airplane flying overhead.

We’re bombarded with so many noises at any given time that most of us are pretty good at tuning out the world when we need to. But how do we handle it when we’re called on by our friends or family to tune in and listen?

Think about it. What did you do the last time your BFF cried on your shoulder about her crush crushing on someone else? Or when your brother or sister shared frustration over an incident at school? Or when a classmate complained to you about something going on in his or her personal life?

We might think we’re good listeners. We look at the person talking to us. We nod our head and throw in a few “uh huh’s” or “wow’s” at the appropriate times. But are we really hearing what’s going on? The reality is, most of us could use some improvement when it comes to tuning in to those around us.

Not truly listening to a friend or loved one can result in all kinds of problems:

• misunderstanding what another person is going through
• hurting someone else’s feelings
• making assumptions based on the wrong info
• giving people the people the impression we don’t care
• sending out the signal that what we have to say is more important than what others say
• losing out on future opportunities to be there for our friends when they need us most

One of the great things about being a good listener is that we start to get more out of our relationships. It’s really fascinating how it works, but truly being there for a friend turns us into the kinds of friends that others would do anything for.

Being a Good Listener

So, the next time a friend comes to you needing to talk, try out these listening techniques and see how they change the experience for you:

• focus on what your friend is saying and don’t think about what you’re going to say next or in response while he or she is talking
• head nods and facial expressions are a great way to let someone know that you’re tuning in
• take a breath and count to three before speaking to make sure that your friend has finished their thought
• ditch the high-tech gadgets and have important conversations face-to-face face, making eye contact with your friend while they’re sharing their thoughts
• if you’ve got to talk on the phone, don’t multitask – turn of the computer, close the books and focus on the conversation
• ask your friend what he or she needs from you – advice, insight, a different point of view – and then try to give them what they need

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If you haven’t already done so, visit Smart Girls Know and check out my new posting, Lost Locker Files #1. From time to time I’ll be posting old essays and writings from my teen years that my mom just found in a box under my bed in my old house.

And don’t forget to share your thoughts on teens and stress for my new book here. If you’re interested in possibly being interviewed for the book, send me an with your contact info (name, age, city, email) and I’ll be in touch!