Hello Smart Girls!

I’m so excited to show you what I’ve been up to for the past few months! Some of you know that a year ago, I began training with the fabulous Martha Beck to become a life coach so I could take my work with teen girls and young women to a whole new level. Today, almost one year to the day from when my training began, I’m happy to announce that I’m a certified Martha Beck Life Coach and I’ve just launched a new website and a bunch of special life coaching packages just for teens!

I’ve also written a brand new ebook, What Smart Girls Know: 10 Truths to Discovering You, which I’m offering for FREE to people who sign up for my new newsletter over at debbiereber.com. This book is a passion project I’ve had in my mind for years, but never published with a traditional publisher. I’m thrilled to be able to make it available to you now…gotta love technology!

Oh, and if you’re interested in life coaching, here some of the one-on-one coaching offerings I’ve put together specifically for teens and 20-somethings. You can get all the details on my new Coaching Page:

SELF-DISCOVERY 101

In a world where teens are bombarded with mixed, and often harmful, media messages, face ongoing pressure to be a “perfect good girl,” and are stuck somewhere between their big dreams and their current reality, it can be challenging to figure out what sparks their passion, let alone where they want it to take them in their lives. This eight-session one-on-one coaching program is aimed helping girls tune into what makes them uniquely them, identify their values and passions, understand the limiting beliefs that get in their way, and build a personal toolbox for moving forward in life in an authentic, purposeful, and powerful way. For motivated teen girls ages 13 – 19.

SIX-WEEK STRESS BUSTER

Today’s overscheduled, overprogrammed teens are dealing with unprecedented stress levels in their quest to be and do it all. This six-week one-on-one coaching program offers motivated teen girls ages 13-19 simple strategies for juggling it all, managing their stress, and creating more balance in their lives.

THE GOAL GETTER

Today’s teens are big dreamers, and as a collective, they’ve been told their whole life that they can do and be anything they can imagine. But many are missing the concrete strategies and skills they need to shift from imagine to action. This six-week one-on-one coaching program helps motivated teen girls ages 13-19 working toward a specific goal or goals imagine the possibilities, tackle fear and procrastination, create a foolproof plan of action, and set achievable goals.

ORGANIZE YOUR LIFE

For the busy teen juggling schoolwork, extracurriculars, and other obligations, a little organization can go a long way. This six-week one-on-one coaching program helps teens ages 13-19 understand the benefits of organizing all different aspects of their lives and give them solid organizational strategies and tools that will help them prioritize, save time, reduce the chaos in their life, and ultimately create a less-stressed life!

SENIOR YEAR SEND-OFF

Senior year of high school is an exciting, interesting, and often challenging time as big transitions are looming and teens find themselves at the intersection of their familiar high school existence and the unknown of what comes next. This six-week one-on-one coaching program helps motivated, college-bound high school senior girls hone in on their personal values, discover their voice, learn how to tackle fear, and create a strong foundation for personal self-care.

PROJECT YOU

Project You is a twelve-week coaching program for 20-somethings who are feeling stuck, trapped, and limited by their current reality. This intensive program helps 20-somethings hone in on their limiting beliefs, rewrite their personal story, reconnect with their purpose, imagine their ideal outcome, and gain the strategies and tools they need to make it happen.

* * * * *

With the start of my new site, I’ve also launched a new blog which will feature less newsy news and more insight and reflections for young women. Therefore, I won’t be updating Smart Girls Know any longer. I will, however, keep this site up so you’ll continue to have access to the past 4 years worth of content, interviews, book reviews, affirmations, and more. Thanks so much for being a part of the Smart Girls Know community, and I hope you’ll join me over at debbiereber.com!

XOXO Debbie

If you or someone you know struggles with an eating disorder, please check out my friend and fellow member of the Confidence Community (TM) Johanna Kandel’s new book, which just came out today.

Johanna struggled with her eating disorder for ten years before finally getting help. She founded the Alliance for Eating Disorders Awareness in 2000 to do community outreach, education, awareness, and prevention of various eating disorders, to share the message that recovery from these disorders is possible, and make sure that those suffering from eating disorders don’t have to recover alone.

In her powerful new book, Johanna offers tools and insight for those with eating disorders so they can:

• Stop self-sabotage and sidestep triggers
• Quiet the eating-disordered voice
• Strengthen the healthy, positive voice
• Let go of all-or-nothing thinking
• Overcome fear and embrace change
• Stay motivated and keep moving forward

Complete with inspiring true stories from others who have won their personal battles with eating disorders, this book provides the help you need to break free from your eating disorder and discover how wonderful life really can be.

Congratulations to Johanna on bringing this very important book into the world!

A recent article in the Florida Times-Union says that though many girls use words like “bitch” and “whore” in a friendly, fun way when addressing their other friends who are girls, there may actually be a real negative side-effect.

Girls who call each other these names in an endearing way – kind of like saying, “Hey girl, how are you?” but going with, “Hey bitch, how are you?” – admit they would be offended if they were called these names by boys or other people. However, among their friends, it’s considered okay and not offensive.

The thing is, researchers say that even being called derogatory names like this by friends as a joke can have a true downside. The article quotes Judy Schoenberg, the Director of Research and Outreach at the Girl Scout Research Institute, who said, “If you grow up and someone keeps calling you a ‘bitch’ and a ‘slut,’ you start growing up thinking that’s what you are. You internalize it, and that’s very dangerous,” Schoenberg said, adding that for girls, self-image and identity depend more on what others think of them than they do for boys.

I am a big believer in the power of words and that what we say has a real effect on how we feel. So it makes sense to me that using these derogatory terms in any way, shape, or form would result in some sort of negative self-image.

What are your thoughts? Do you and your friends call each other names in a “friendly” way? Do you see any downside to doing this?

Have your parents had “the talk” with you? You know the one I mean…the sex talk. Having the talk is something many parents dread…they never know when to have it, how much to divulge, and it how to go about it.

But the benefits to talking about sex with your parents are unquestionable. A recent survey by O Magazine and Seventeen Magazine found that when parents, especially mothers, talk with their daughters explicitly about sex, their daughters are half as likely to get pregnant, are more likely to practice safe sex, and have fewer regrets about sex.

I can’t actually remember my mom, or my dad for that matter, ever having “the talk” with me. I grew up in a fairly religious household where the assumption was that both my sister and I would wait until marriage to lose our virginity. Maybe my mom did share a few things with me, but no more info than I’d already gotten from Health Ed.

And it seems that today there is still a big disconnect between moms and daughters when it comes to the talk. The O and Seventeen survey found that 90% of moms said they’d had the sex talk with their daughters, but only 51% of the girls said they had.

While the talk has the potential to be uncomfortable and, let’s face it, strange, it’s important to be able to talk honestly and openly about sex. And you don’t have to wait around for your parents to break the ice…if they haven’t brought it up yet with you, chances are they’re not sure how to get started. So why not give them some help? O and Seventeen editors Gayle King and Ann Shoket offered their suggestions for how teen girls can encourage the “talk” to happen in a positive way on Good Morning America earlier this week. Here are their ideas:

• Bring up the subject casually
• Use movies or TV as ice-breakers
• Calm your mother’s fears
• Be sure to discuss birth control
• Don’t be afraid to ask uncomfortable questions

Have you had “the talk” with your mom or dad? If so, who brought it up? How did it go?

This week is Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Week, and if anything, the much-reported altercation between Chris Brown and Rhianna last weekend only shows that no one is safe from this serious trend. Teen dating violence is a described as “a pattern of controlling behaviors by one teenager over another teenager with whom they are in a dating relationship.” And it’s more common than you might think. Here are some surprising facts and statistics:

• 1 in 5 female high school students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner
• 1 in 3 teens reports knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, or physically hurt by their dating partner
• only 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about the abuse

Wow. Those are some pretty shocking figures, especially that last one. Because if people aren’t opening up and getting real about what’s really going on, nothing’s ever going to change.

If you’re in a relationship and something doesn’t quite feel right to you, listen to that voice inside your gut. Because a healthy relationship should never make you feel bad, insecure, worthless, disrespected, or guilty.

Here’s an abridged list of signs of an abusive relationship as outlined by the Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence. Something’s not right in your relationship if your a boyfriend or girlfriend:

• calls you names, puts you down, or belittles you in front of other people
• checks up on you through text messages/phone calls to see where you are/who you are with
• keeps you away from your friends and family
• has to know where you are and who you are with at all times, and insists that you spend all your time together
• checks up on you at home, work, and school and insists you carry a cell phone so he/she can reach you
• threatens to hurt himself/herself or others if you break up with him/her

For more information, and to find out how to help yourself or a friend in an abusive relationship, check out Love is Not Abuse, End Abuse, or See it and Stop it.

UPDATE: Check out MTV’s video on teen dating violence here!

It seems like every time I flip open a magazine or turn on a talk show, someone’s talking about teens and sex – how much they’re doing it, how risky the sex they’re having is, how teen pregnancy is the latest fad. Of course, it’s not the first time the media has grabbed hold of an idea and run with it. And let’s face it, the idea that today’s teens are increasingly promiscuous is one that’s going to get a lot of attention, especially from parents who get completely freaked out by the subject.

I can understand this reaction, if there was was any truth behind the headlines. But studies show it’s not necessarily the case. A recent article in The New York Times by Tara Parker-Pope (“The Myth of Rampant Teenage Promiscuity”) points out that “while some people are clearly engaging in risky sexual behavior, a vast majority are not. The reality is that in many ways, today’s teenagers are more conservative about sex than previous generations.” In fact, according to the article:

• In 2007, fewer than half of all high school students (47.8%) had had sex, while in 1991, 54.1% had
• In 2002, only 30% of high school girls had experienced sex, while in 1995, 38% had

While it’s true that in 2007 births among 15-19 year olds had risen for the first time in more than ten years (National Center for Health Statistics), that certainly doesn’t constitute a “trend.” And many researchers believe the recent increase in teen pregnancy isn’t because more teens are having sex, but because fewer are using contraception.

What do you think? Is there any truth behind the hype or is this just another chance for the media to use fear to grab an audience?

Whether teens are having more or less sex, the one thing I know is that education is the most important piece of this equation. Luckily, there are a ton of resources out there to help teens become informed and learn about the real consequences of their choices, whatever they may be. Check out the website hosted by Rutger’s University, Sex, Etc. to get honest answers from experts and teens, and tap into a ton of resources.

Today is World AIDS Day…a day to raise money, increase awareness, fight prejudice, and inspire people to work to improve AIDS education. The day was started in 1988 to remind people that HIV has not gone away, and that there is still much to be done in fighting this disease.

Think AIDS doesn’t affect you? Think again. According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), 25% of all new cases of HIV in the U.S. are now occurring among teens, ages 13 to 19 (CDC). A majority of teens have begun sex by 16. Yet too many teenagers do not believe they are vulnerable to HIV/AIDS. Concerned friends can help save their young friends from making errors in judgment that could negatively impact their lives.

In honor of World AIDS Day, I’m reprinting information I found on the Metro TeenAIDS website – a community health organization dedicated to supporting young people in the fight against HIV/AIDS, including tips for practicing safe sex that can help protect you.

People who have HIV don’t look or act any differently from uninfected people. They may even seem very healthy. HIV usually takes several years to cause AIDS, so HIV carriers may not know they have it. You get HIV by exchanging body fluids with someone who’s already infected. This means you can get HIV by:

• having sex with an infected partner (male, female or transgender)
• sharing needles (for tattooing, piercing, or drugs) with an infected person

HIV doesn’t care who you’re having sex with or who you’re sharing needles with. Once HIV is in your bloodstream, that’s it — you’re infected also. AIDS is a result of being infected with HIV. AIDS is a disease which destroys your body’s immune system. This means that people with AIDS can’t fight off illnesses. The sorts of things that aren’t a big deal to healthy people, like the common cold, are very dangerous to AIDS patients.

Here are some safe sex practices: starting with the ones that will keep you the safest!

• Don’t have sex. Abstaining from sex is the best way to keep yourself free from HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
• If you haven’t had sex yet, consider waiting until you are in a committed relationship with the same person for more than 6 months. Then if you feel ready to have sex, both of you can go get tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
• If you’re already sexually active, using a latex condom every time during sex can protect you from getting HIV and other STDs.

For more information about HIV/AIDS, check out these websites:

• Metro TeenAIDS
• World AIDS Day
• KidsHealth
• Learn the Link Webisodes
  
• Advocates for Youth
• HIV and Teens

I just read an article in The New York Times about recent studies having to do with girls and the way they communicate with friends. These studies have found excessive talking with friends about problems can actually make your situation worse! Why? Because frequently or obsessively talking about the same problem can spin into a “potentially contagious and unhealthy emotional angst.”

According to the article, the fact that today’s girls are in constant contact with friends through email, texting, Facebook, and instant messaging, means they’re dwelling on their problems and dramas more than may be good for them. This over-sharing of problems among friends has been given the name “co-rumination.”

When I read this, I thought back to one of my first jobs out of college. While the job had its benefits, including the fact that’s it where I met one of my dearest friends, ultimately both my friend and I (we also shared a cubicle) grew dissatisfied with our jobs to the point where we spent every single day bitching and moaning about our lot in life over lunch. The result? Our unhappiness brewed and festered. We returned to the office each afternoon with a chip on our shoulders the size of a small SUV.

So I can see how obsessively talking about problems with a friend can make matters worse. But on the other hand, it did bring my friend and I closer together, since we experienced this together and bonded over our shared misery.

The article points out another potential side effect of negative girl talk – “emotional contagion” or “contagious anxiety,” which is the phenomenon when another person’s negative thoughts or anxiety affect another person’s mood. According to the article, people who live with others suffering from depression tend to become depressed themselves.

So if this new research is true, what’s the solution? I’m a huge advocate of seeking out friends to share with, commiserate with, and get support from. Perhaps the key to making sure that your girl talk stays in a good place is to share with friends about what’s going on, but start noticing when the same depressing topic becomes the focal point of every conversation. And if you’re not working on finding a positive solution to the problem, cut yourself off from the negative speak and move on to another topic!

Do characters on the televisions shows you watch engage in risky sexual behavior? Do they have unprotected sex? Is attention called to birth control? STDs?

These are some of the things researchers at the RAND Institute looked at in their three-year study about teen pregnancy and television. The study found that teens who watched the “most sexy programming were at double the risk of becoming pregnancy or causing a pregnancy compared with those who watched fewest such programs.”

Anita Chandra, a behavioral scientist who led the research, says: “The television content we see very rarely highlights the negative aspects of sex or the risks and responsibilities. So if teens are getting any information about sex they’re rarely getting information about pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.”

The study also notes that even though teen pregnancy rates have declined in the past fifteen years, they are high compared with other industrialized countries – around 1 million girls ages 15-19 become pregnant ever year. But what’s even more shocking is that 20% of all sexually active teen girls become pregnant.

I challenge you to start noticing how those hot and steamy scenes in your favorite TV shows or movies play out. Is birth control mentioned? Sexual history? While I realize that bringing up STDs might be a mood-wrecker, it seems to me that shows aimed at teen audiences, like Gossip Girl and 90210, are doing viewers wrong by not getting real about sexual relationships. When you consider that some schools advocate an abstinence-only policy in Sex Ed, there are thousands of teens who aren’t necessarily getting the info they need to make smart decisions when it comes to sex.

What do you think? Is it irresponsible for television and movie producers to portray sexual situations without addressing the very real consequences of unprotected sex?

Do you talk with your parents about what’s going on in your life? And if you don’t, do you wish you could?

According to a new national report by the Dove Self-Esteem Fund called “Real Girls, Real Pressure,” girls everywhere want better communication with the adults in their lives to help them deal with the many challenges they’re going through.

“The top wish among girls is for their parents to communicate better with them, including more frequent and more open conversations, as well as discussions about what is happening in her life. However, as girls enter their teenage years, there is a significant loss of trust and communication with adults, particularly when they are feeling bad about themselves.”

And here are some stats:

• 67% of girls ages 13-17 turn to their mother as a resource when feeling badly about themselves compared to 91% of girls ages 8-12
• Only 27% of girls ages 13-17 will turn to their father for help when feeling badly about themselves compared to 54% of girls ages 8-12

When I was a teen, I had a decent relationship with my parents, but I didn’t share a lot of the deep, dark stuff I was thinking and feeling about myself and the universe because I was afraid of getting in trouble or I knew they wouldn’t understand. I remember envying those perfect families on TV (Family Ties and Growing Pains) and wished I had that same kind of openness and understanding in my home. Of course, I knew that the families on TV weren’t actually real, but still, a girl could dream…).

Now that I’m a parent and I have relationships with many moms and dads, I see it from the flip side. I know that most parents actually do want to know what’s going on in the lives of their teens. They want those lines of communication open, and they want to be the ones that their children turn to when they are feeling down.

So if teens want to more communication with their parents and parents want more communication with their teens, what’s going on?

Someone’s got to break the ice. And I propose that it’s you.

Why not approach your mom or dad (or both) and tell them you’d like more open communication, but you’re not sure where to start? Or tell them honestly what your fears are (they’ll get mad at you, they’ll judge you, they’ll stop loving you, they’ll ground you…whatever) in talking with them, but at the same time, remind them that you’re going through a lot of changes and you need all the help you can get.

It may not be easy, but I guarantee you if you take this first step, it will go a long way in building trust between the two of you. Not only will your parents be relieved (and maybe even shocked) about your openness, they’ll start to see you as a growing, maturing, and thoughtful person. And that will only help your relationship in the long run.