Does Eminem and Rihanna’s New Song and Video Glamorize Dating Violence?

If you ask me, the answer to that question is a resounding YES.

First there’s the song. If you listen to their new collaboration, entitled “Love the Way You Lie,” you’ll hear the following lyrics, among others:

Rihanna:

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie

Eminem:

Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
Come inside pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault look me in the eyeball
Next time I’m pissed I’ll aim my fist at the dry wall
Next time there will be no next time
I apologize even though I know it’s lies
I’m tired of the games I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to f**king leave again
I’mma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire

And those are just some highlights. Then there’s the . The video features Megan Fox and Dominic Monaghan embroiled in an abusive relationship. The problem is, onscreen the relationship is portrayed as sexy, intense, glamorous, and passionate. Yes, it is violent, but the violence almost ends in passionate embraces and sex. Something many people may misconstrue as “love.”

The first time I watched the video, I put myself in my 15-year-old self’s shoes. At 15, I was insecure, longed to have connection, and often looked for validation that I had worth in others, especially boys. I would have watched that video, with every slow motion, passionate kiss and heated exchanges, and part of me would have thought, “I wish someone loved me that much, loved me so much that the thought of losing me would drive them to do dangerous things.” It’s not easy to admit that, but I know I’m not the only one who felt that way, and I know there are millions of girls today who, despite knowing intellectually that dating violence is wrong, would still have an emotional response similar to mine.

The biggest problem with this song and video isn’t that it exists. Some may even say that it portrays a realistic picture of what dating violence looks like and explains how the painful cycle can be hard to get out of. No, the biggest problem is that it portrays it as glamorous and then doesn’t add anything positive or useful to the conversation. As my friend Melissa Wardy writes over at her wonderful blog Pigtail Pals:

“There’s no PSA. No number to call if you need help. No five seconds of Rihanna saying “No one deserves or asks for violence in their life, please call….blah blah blah” and then a cut to a website for people needing to escape the very same violence that turned her world upside down in early 2009.”

I’ve never been in a violent relationship, although I know girls and women who have. And I also know that it’s more common than you might think:

• 1 in 5 female high school students report being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner
• 1 in 3 teens reports knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, kicked, slapped, or physically hurt by their dating partner
• only 33% of teens who were in an abusive relationship ever told anyone about the abuse

Most of all, I know this: love and violence don’t have anything to do with one another. Violence in a relationship is all about control, insecurity, and anger. A healthy relationship should never make you feel bad, insecure, worthless, disrespected, or guilty.

Here’s an abridged list of signs of an abusive relationship as outlined by the Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence. Something’s not right in your relationship if your a boyfriend or girlfriend:

• calls you names, puts you down, or belittles you in front of other people
• checks up on you through text messages/phone calls to see where you are/who you are with
• keeps you away from your friends and family
• has to know where you are and who you are with at all times, and insists that you spend all your time together
• checks up on you at home, work, and school and insists you carry a cell phone so he/she can reach you
• threatens to hurt himself/herself or others if you break up with him/her

I’d love to hear what you think… what are your thoughts on the video?

And to read more on this issue, please check out Melissa’s thoughtful posts on this video or these resources she lists on her site.

National Teen Dating Violence Helpline: www.LoveIsRespect.org 1-

National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.ncadv.org 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Domestic Violence Safety/Escape Checksheet from the Pixel Project, click here